Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Winter Never Land

Despite the arctic temperatures and the endless amount of snow, ice, and school closings it's been a very productive Winter.

I've gotten a chance to organize the tackle box which means I'll be ready to fish as soon as the Ice Age ends.

The kids and I have built things with Legos, played video games, and watched Jake and the Never Land Pirates for about a month straight now. I'm not even gonna waste time on this post bitching about the fact that Peter Pan only makes an occasional cameo on that damn show. Who the fuck is Jake anyway?!?

My wife has kept her mind occupied and her spirits up during this relentless bitch of a Winter by cooking bacon flavored coconut concoctions out of her Paleo cookbook.

We even got a chance to go outside one day when the temperature was above 10 degrees to build a couple of snowmen. That was really awesome. After we started getting cold we went inside and watched a show about Never Land where the main character's name is Jake and not Peter.

While the melancholy and the cabin fever has been fun, Spring is just about around the corner. Next week the forecast is calling for temperatures in the low 60s. I look forward to seeing the Sun again and maybe even getting a splash of color back on my face.

I'm on vacation in two weeks and wouldn't it be splendid if I could spend that time fishing in a thawed out lake instead of watching Jake fish in Peter's ocean? That would be terrific. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Nip and Tuck

I just watched a commercial for the Genie Cami Shaper  (on the NFL Network). According to the commercial, this shit hides and folds all sorts of sin. It makes fat disappear like magic!

I've seen the commercial a few times now and I just marvel at way Cami Shaper transforms a dumpy woman into a brick shit house right in the blink of an eye. 

 For 60 bucks it's not a bad deal. To sweeten the pot they throw in a few other colors, like black and skin.

I'm pretty much sold other than the fact that I'm a guy.

Now if Genie comes up with a nylon girdle for guys I'm definitely  interested, but for 60 dollars not only do I want mine to nip and tuck, but it better be bullet proof and augment my strength by at least 10 times. I'm cool with white and black, but prefer a charcoal gray more so than a skin.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Welcome Fall

The high for today is going to be 72 degrees. I'm definitely down with that.

In a few hours the lads and I are gonna do some early Fall fishing and then we'll come home and watch football. Can't beat a day like that.

Hopefully we'll catch a mess of fish and spend the first part of the early games gutting and fileting crappie, cats, and sunfish. It doesn't matter though. We'll catch plenty of fish and watch tons of football over then next few months.

Love this time of year.


 

Monday, June 03, 2013

Be a Lasting Part of Everlasting Love at Camp Anapolsky!

Camp promptly begins on Thursday morning when the camper wakes me up.

During the school year we try to foster an environment of independence and promote good habits with our children.

During Camp Anapolsky that shit changes.

Our day will roughly begin at 10:30. The camper and I will eat cereal for breakfast. I will drink coffee and the camper can drink orange or apple juice. If the counselor want's to sleep till 11:00 then the camper will get his own breakfast and watch TV until the counselor gets his ass out of bed.

Once the counselor is up only 1960s television will be permitted during breakfast. Danny Partridge yes, Cailou no!

(Please note: Cailou is the most annoying children's television program of all time. Period.)

After breakfast the counselor will have an off-period and the camper will be sent to his grandmother's house until 1:30. Once the counselor returns from his off-period there will be swimming, fishing, breaking shit, archery, shooting, coloring, and eating.

In the event of rain we will eat, color, and watch reruns of  1960s television all camp long.

The camper is so excited for camp that he was having trouble sleeping tonight and camp is still four days away. It's completely understandable. Camp Anapolsky is fucking awesome!

So do yourself a favor and send your kid to Camp Anapolsky for the Summer. Your kid will make life long friend, learn how to fish, and break shit.

More importantly your kid will experience the finest decade in the history of public broadcasting from shows like the Odd Couple, Batman, The Partridge Family, Bonanza, The Monkees, and the Holy Grail of television, Star Trek.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Summer 2013

 2013 has been one of the coldest Springs we've had in 40 years. I know this because I fish and the crappie spawn was about 2 months behind schedule in Kentucky. Plus, I've seen tons of pics of dudes snowboarding in May on facebook. Crazy shit man.

I was beginning to think the Summer of 2013 had forgotten us and decided to go in a different direction, but it's here at last.

This Summer we fish, camp, swim, and go to the beach.

We're also adding a new sport to the 2013 Summer: baseball.

Lately my sons have expressed a good amount of interest in America's former national pastime.

The little one has a great natural swing, but is directionally challenged. The bigger one has much better eye hand coordination, but tenses up when he swings the bat. Both will be corrected by the close of the third quarter.

I don't want to screw the boys up for life.

 The best course of action is to watch some YouTube clips for correct batting mechanics. Or maybe I'll buy one of those batting videos from a retired Major League roid head. Either way, my fucking kids will be ready for Minor League Baseball by the time they graduate high school.

In the meantime, it should be a really nice Summer and I'm looking forward to having lots of fun with the family.
 

Monday, March 04, 2013

Out of Paper

Well, its March 2013. That means Spring will be here in a couple of weeks. I'm ready for some warmer temperatures so the crappie can move into shallow water to drop their eggs and eat minnows on the end of a hook that I supply them with.

I went to Walmart to renew my fishing license and they were out of the necessary receipt paper. I'm done with Walmart until I run out of gear. Once I've snagged all my hooks on rocks and stumps at Talyorsville Lake I will be spiritually ready to forgive Walmart for this outrage.
 
When I go into Walgreen's or CVS for an item I half expect them to not have what I need, but Walmart on the 3RD day of fishing season... fuck that shit!
I also perused the toy section, and although its improved since the end of the Holiday Season, I was not overly impressed.
 
I did get a really good deal on garbage bags and 1 gallon freezer bags while I was there. I got a lot for a little. And that's the name of the game at Walmart. Isn't it? But to not have fishing licenses on the 3RD day of Fishing Season?!? Again, FUCK THAT SHIT!Thankfully, I have a home computer with Internet access and I was able to purchase a KY Fishing Licence (and a trout stamp) on line. The thought crossed my mind to drive to another Walmart location in town, but then this thought crossed my mind: Fuck.That.Shit!
 
Despite my seething hatred for Walmart at this moment, I'm looking forward to a very productive month of early Spring fishing. One nice thing about getting my license online is that I was able to donate 2 bucks to the Fishing in Neighborhoods (FINs) program. The kids and I have thoroughly enjoyed the program and have taken full advantage of all that FINs has to offer. It's a really cool deal unlike the catastrophic inventorial fuck up at Walmart.

Friday, February 01, 2013

Why Can't Everyday Be Christmas?

Spoiling Ben is a breeze and quite enjoyable. He likes all the crap that I liked as a kid. Benny's even got me interested in the Transformers. I primarily go for men in tights when it comes to action figures, but we've got a nice little collection of Robots brewing.

 Max is not as easy to spoil as far as gift giving goes. If he never saw another action figure (or toy) as long as he lived he'd be fine and wouldn't know the difference.

This is difficult for me...

But I'm a grown man of 42 and my love for him transcends even the love I have for Captain Kirk.
This week has been a good week for the younger tot, Ben. He has eight new obscure figures from Mattel's JLU collection and Max did not complain once that he didn't get anything. But I could see a little hurt in his eyes as he watched his brother hold one of the new figures.

So on my way home from work tonight I stopped off and got him these really awesome click-able coloring pencils and a pack of washable glitter glue. When he wakes up Crayola will be waiting for him along with $2.50 cents for his allowance (the kid's job consists of overfeeding the cat daily).

Before I picked out Max's gifts I wandered into the toy isle and saw two awesome Decepticon Jets for 11 bucks a piece. It's. so. hard. to. resist.

But I'm proud to say that I'm not one of those screwed up Fathers that tries to pressure his kids into liking what he likes (except for fishing) or thinking what he thinks. So I walked away from the Transformers and got the art stuff. I know in two and half hours when Max wakes up he's going to be a happy camper.

Besides next week those Decipticon Jets will still be there and I'll find other art supplies to buy Max's affection with.

And once again Max will be happy, Ben will be happy, I'll be happy, and I'll pat myself on the back for being a great dad. My wife Allyson will want to shoot me and as of right now I think I understand why, but by next week I'll have no recollection of the insanity or this blog post.